Money For People

I spent some time with a friend recently. She told me all about her life over the last few years, all the things she has done, the places she went, the people that she met. It was all impressive and there might have been a twinge of jealousy on my part at things I had missed out on through the years. When you are in parenting mode, the rest of the world seems nonexistent at times.

As I was imagining how wonderful this life of hers must be, she continued to talk. And that’s when the turn started. As we are in the store looking at some gifts for a coming baby shower, she finds this little reindeer suit. And as we talk about Christmas, she tells me “I don’t put up a Christmas tree. There’s no need. It’s just me”.

Freaking floored. Literally standing there with my mouth open. Thankfully, the shocking drool didn’t pile up on the floor, so she didn’t notice. No Christmas tree? Woah, who doesn’t do that?

She has a child, has her mother, and yet lives 600 miles away, in an apartment that could probably qualify for “US Homes That Don’t Look Lived In”. Picture perfect, everything matches, probably the toilet paper in the guest bathroom even has one corner tucked under.

But no Christmas tree. No family around for those little everyday talks, even if they are sometimes grouchy. No birthday celebrations, no Easter plans, no nothing except all adult, all the time. Alone. In an apartment. Damn.

As we continued shopping (me being the glorified bag carrier) she continued to show me what she liked. Fine china. Huh? Expensive purses and shoes. What? More clothes than I have probably owned in the last 10 years combined. Why?

And so, I asked point blank: “why do you continue living there?”

“Because” she said, “I can make more money living there. And I have seniority at my job and don’t want to give that up. And some friends.”

So much was revealed and explained to me in that one series of thoughts. Suddenly I could feel the incredible pains of lonliness, my heart literally bleeding for her at that moment. The tough outer shell she presents, the constant jokes, the semi-warmth, all of it suddenly made sense.

Though I didn’t say anything, inside, my mind was reeling. The bitter reality hit me on the tradeoff that she had made. Money for people. Sure, she had a few dollars, and was respected at work, and had people to go out with. But no Christmas tree.

Frick.

And of course, you know what I did. Immediately, without hesitation, I wanted to fix it. I mean, shit, that’s what I do isn’t it?

Not anymore. My fixer is broken, smashed into a thousand pieces, never to be re-assembled and used again. I can not fix the damn world, no matter how much I want to.

When my kids talk with me about problems their friends have, I tell then “You didn’t start it, so you aren’t in control of it, so you can’t fix it. You can listen, be supportive, but you can’t fix it. You are not God.” And so now I have to take my own advice.

She made the trade and she lives with it. It’s not at all what I would do, but it isn’t me. I have no place in it at all. So I’ll do what I do, write what I write, and sing what I sing. She lives her life by her decisions, I live by mine, and narry the two shall meet!

My name is really Rick, not “The Fixer”.

Hey, kids, remember that I love you. The rest of the family too. And I ain’t going no where.

Is That Love To Me?

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

I see the above on a lot of things. You can find it on billboards, on placards at Walmart, and you will see it scribed all over various websites, in all types of itenerations. The words may be slightly changed, but the meaning is the same.

Few people realize that is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Yeah, I'm a redneck who has been known to quote a bible verse or two at times. Get over it!

These days, we so rarely go through the process of defining what love is . Too often it's just a word that is used to get a certain reaction. You want someone to do something for you? Just tell them you love them. You want them to go away? Tell them you love them too much. They still won't do what you want? Threaten to not love them anymore.

The word is used so much, that the meaning has totally been lost.

But what I really like about the verses above, are that they define what love actually is, and to a greater degree, what it is not. It's kind, it's patient, and it stands through all things. It's not manipulative, vengeful, or used as a weapon to get others to love us.

And more importantly, and people tend to forget this: Love is forever. You can't just un-love someone.

Now that last statement always causes a few problems. People all the time tell each opther "I hate you", and think Hate is the opposite of love. It isn't. Hate is a simple way of saying "I love you, and I can not stand to be around someone I love that does what you do". Think about that for a second.

"I love you and I can not stand to be around someone I love that does what you do". See, there isn't a "but" in there. It's an "and". That's because both statements are true. If someone cheated on you, and you hate them for it, what you are really saying is that you can't stand to be around them because of their actions. You still feel the love, and that is what is at the center of your emotions.

The opposite of love is all together different: it's total apathy. You have no feelings at all for a person. they might as well have been born on a different planet.

I want it understood what I mean when I say "I Love you", It means exactly that: I love you today, tomorrow, and forever, no arrogance, no games, unprovoked, nothing in return expected, or needed. We may not always agree, we may not be able to stand to be around each other, but that love never stops and it never ever goes away, even in the darkest of times. It is always there, has always been there, and will always be there. It's my choice, and nothing you can do will ever stop that love.

Love is not a game to be played; it's the highest form of respect and honor that anyone can show to and for you. Treat it with honor, as it will always honor you.

They Call Me The Fireman

I am amazed at the amount of people in this world who are terrible firefighters. At times in life, there are going to be a few fires. But trying to stop those by setting another fire just makes no sense. If someone burns you, then burning them back is a total waste of time. It will lead to, at best, a feeling of a very hollow victory for a short period of time. In the end, the hollow felling gets bigger until there is simply nothing left but a shell of an empty person.

Vengence is stupid. I have a different approach:

When I get burned, I use water to put the fire out. Permanently. No excuses, no hard feelings, just an end. Capoot. Done. Over.

Doing that allows me to continue on my merry way, and the offending party can go onto who ever their next unsuspecting victim is. Why hold onto a grudge against someone who doesn’t like you anyway?

You fight fire with water. It’s that simple. Now get out there and make the world a wetter place to live!

Turn On The Dang Light!

The more I pay attention, the more I notice a disturbing tendency in relationships. People put down their partner and trash them because they can't deal with their partner out-shining them. Whether is be one plays softball better, one gets more awards due to their work, one is more outgoing and friendly, or maybe one is just a more driven parent, the other partner feels like that is a direct reflection of their weakness, and suddenly goes on the attack.

Fights ensue, emotions get raw, and everything is thrown out of balance. The one getting attention is repeatedly beaten by the harsh comments and anger, and eventually they are faced with a choice: leave, or become a shell of themselves. Too many time, for whatever reason, they choose the latter.

I'm no different than anyone else. If trophies are begin given out, well, I want one too! And sometimes its hard to not get one when the person standing right beside you got the biggest one of them all. You stand there in their shadow, dwarfed by the huge trophy, and suddenly you feel forgotten and small and insignificant. And jealous. And mad. And want that trophy for you.

So later you tell them that trophy isn't so big, that what they did was not so great, that anyone could have done that/won that/been that. You just do whatever you can to bring them back down to a level where you are, which is somewhere between a snake's belly and the dirt.

And I'm telling you that's so wrong. You got it all wrong. You ALWAYS let a light that's shining shine as brightly as it can.

Stars, like the sun, shine brightly. And as they light up the sky, some of that reflects off of the planets that revolve around them. They light the planets and give warmth, where once there was dark, cold rock.

If the one that your world revolves around is shining, whether its because they are friendly in a crowd, just plain entertaining, won an award, or just because others think they are as wonderful as you do, let them shine. Be happy for them, support them, and enjoy the fact that they are in their element. Life has enough trials and tribulations; let them grab the light while it's still there!


No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. Acts 8:16

Go Packers!!!

I don't wanna pack! Tell me I don't have to! Vacation is almost over, and now we have to shove stuff in the car to go home. Nothing sucks more than having to pack up all the crud you bought, all the crud you bought, and sort out all the junk before you go home.

For example, I always rent a place with a kitchen. Then we go to the grocery store and buy stuff to cook. We meal plan, make a list, and get the things we need. The problem? We ALWAYS buy too much. I swear, when we are on vacation, everyone turns into a humming bird. A loaf of bread that would last all of 2 days normally is suddenly a week old and turning green.

So now you have to add room for the 4 bags of groceries that we need to take home, right? But it doesn't end there.

There are always things you forgot. You have a perfectly good blowdryer at home, but you forgot it, so you have to buy a new one. Multiply one of those "discoveries" for every day, and suddenly you have an entire bag fool of duplicate stuff. Leaving it behind is wasteful, so you have to take it home, where it will be put in a corner, stored for 3 years, and then sold for 20 cents at a garage sale. But, hey, at least you didn't waste it!

Then there are the souvenirs. Sure, everyone with you gets one, and that may take a up a little room. But it's the ones that you buy for Aunt Martha, your brother, your folks, the people at work, and everyone else in the free world that force a new packing strategy. Guess where they will be in 3 years? Yep, someone else's garage sale. But hey, at least you got them something!

And then there are those "can't live without cause I can only get it here" sort of things, like cheese wheels. Sure they are awesome, taste great, and you'll never have the opportunity to get one again. But they have to be refrigerated, which means you have to pack an ice chest, not unlike the other 43 that you already have at home. But, hey, when the garage sale comes, you can use it to sell drinks from, right?

Then there is that brilliant thought of shopping. Why buy school clothes close to the house, when you can do it on vacation 1000 miles from home? everyone knows that clothes always fit better when the come from some outlet mall that you passed somewhere near St Louis. But, hey, since we can't return them, guess where they will be soon? Nuff said.

Add it all up, and suddenly the vehicle that had plenty of room on the way here now is so packed that I am thinking we may have to mail one of the children home. I'll also get the pleasure of driving with my elbows resting on some sort of bag, my seat pushed forward to allow for the box of stuff that was supposed to be in the trunk, and I'll no longer be able to use the rearview mirror, as the pile of crud is high that it reaches the ceiling.

So as you can see, as tough as it is to pack for a trip, it's worse to pack for the return trip. And heaven forbid that you forget anything, or else you'll have to buy a new pair of tennis shoes when you get home, while the ones you left 3 states away eventually end up in someone else's garage sale. Ugh! Could there be anything worse?

Oh yeah, I forgot: tomorrow I have to unpack all this crud!!

Jeepers! A Creeper!

I took the family on vacation this week. We're a small group: me and 3 kids. We went to a collection of amusement parks and waterparks, which is something we have all discussed doing through the years. As with all vacations, some things work, and some things don't. This may be the last vacation we all get together due to the kid's growing up, and so I hope it has been memorable for them.

As we waited in line for different rides and such, I took the time to look around. What I saw was that I was just about the only person my age participating. Most of the others were lounging around or hanging out, still there, but not in the middle of things. And to that end, it did make me kind of sad.

Being a single parent means that you do a lot of things alone, even when you're with your children. You go to games, plays, school events, and most everything else that your children do, but all the joy, or terror for that matter, that creates memories stays inside you, as there is no one to talk to about it. And that part really sucks sometimes.

I really try not to think about that too much, but I'm only human so it does rear it's ugly head every now and then. I'm very fortunate to have lived a great life, have some great children, and have accomplished pretty much everything that I ever wanted. But at times I still long for that connection, the one that shares everything and adds to the memories.

Will I ever get that? Who knows. Right now I just have to tell myself to keep doing what I do, and to keep creating those memories. When I am long gone, I'd like some of the memories folks have of me to be good ones!

What's The Speed Limit Here?

I was talking to a friend today, and she is in the processes of a new relationship. She's met a guy, they have gone out a couple of times, and now she doesn't know what to do. She likes him, thinks he likes her, they might be great together, but he might have a dark side, he might just be seeing her because there is no one else around, he might ask for money, but he did pay for dinner, he compliments her, but he might think she is too fat, and on and on and on and so forth and such.

Whew! By the time she got quiet, I thought my head was going to explode!

Anywho, what she brought up was a very valid question: how do you know how fast (or how slow) to go in a relationship? Should you jump right in, throw yourself at the other person, and say "Here I am! Take me away"? Or should you play hard to get, only answer the phone every 3rd time, ignore most emails, and pretend to be so busy that you forgot, sending the other person the message that they need to work harder to get your attention?

Well, that is one tough question. And I don't have a damn clue what to tell her. How do people know what to do? How do you keep from pushing so fast that you scare the other person off, or pull back so much that they lose interest? Do people send out "vibes" that you are supposed to sense and then follow? What if your vibe-detector is broken? Then you might forever run off and dis-interest everyone!

Truth is, we're all probably guilty of doing both, at one time or the other. And based on how things worked out the last time, we are most likely to do the opposite the next time. Who knows which will actually work!

Every person is different, every situation is different, and it's tough to get everything right. The law of averages says that most relation ships do not work out period. Otherwise, most of us would still be with the first person that we ever dated.

Dancing the fine line between go/stop/reverse requires more brainpower than most of us have, and if you let it, it will take you over and render you useless, lying forever in the fetal position chanting "I went too fast! No, Too slow! No, too fast!" until the milk in the refrigerator evolves into a new kind of life form, and eats you.

So what to do? Quit worrying about it. As I told her, if you scare someone off, or they lose interest, maybe that was what was supposed to happen. Maybe, no matter which way you chose, it was going to be the wrong way. Maybe, just maybe, the timing is wrong, or you part your hair on the wrong side, or your toenails are painted too white, or he saw that one ear was bigger than the other, or you had something in your teeth, or your perfume stunk.

STOP IT!! You can't control everything. So quit trying! Just let things be, and enjoy the ride. You'll be a lot more likely to find someone who likes you for you once you quit worrying and just be you!

So, um, who are you again?

Love Me, Or I'll Punch You!

Jealousy. The mere mention of that word scares the absolute hell out of me. It causes fights, beatings, stabbings, shootings, friendships to end, families to breakup, and sometimes even the death of one or both people involved, or worse, to an innocent bystander. It is probably the single most frightening emotion that any human can have.

Thankfully, I'm not the type to be jealous. I guess I don't think about fooling around, so it never dawns on me that anyone I am dating/married to/shack-up with/have tied-up in the barn/etc would do that either. Yeah, I've been bit by that, but so what? My thinking wasn't wrong; I was just dealing about the wrong person.

That doesn't mean, though, that at times it doesn't rear its ugly head either. If one of my co-workers won the lottery, I'd sure be jealous! And if someone I was dating ended up spending a week at a tropical resort full of male strippers, well, I guess in that case I really wouldn't be jealous, because I have no desires to be on a tropical island full of male strippers. But I sure might feel inadequate!

This is probably why I have a a very hard time dealing with anyone who is the jealous type. Oh, I've been there, and it ain't pretty. I feel smothered, controlled, and pushed into a little bitty space. It enrages me, and eventually puts me in a position where I lash back. Plain stated, if you think I am going to fool around, then you don't know me; and if you don't know me, then we have no business being together.

I figured out that the more freedom each person has, the more they enjoy their time with each other, and the the more loyal they become to each other. Each person has to have the ability to enjoy their day, meet the people they need and want to meet, do what they need, and to be themselves without constantly wondering if this is something that is going to upset their partner. It also allows partners to have experiences separately, which gives them something to talk about later.

I can't tell you how many times i have heard women complain about "their man" going to lunch/dinner/talking/whatever with another woman. Does being in a relationship really mean that I can't have contact with other women? That's ridiculous. I've got friends that I have known since we were kids. If I was the kind of person who would do that to a friend just because my date is jealous, then I'd also be the kind of person who'd be jealous of a partner if she talked with another guy. And if I ever become that guy, well, shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Looking at it from a logical point of view, if someone I am dating were to be asked out by another guy, shouldn't I trust their decision? Isn't begin in a relationship totally about trusting someone?

If they want to go out and run around, what can I do? Throw a fit? Lecture? Beat them up? And when that is done, what have I accomplished? I still have someone who would rather be somewhere else than with me. The next opportunity they get, they are going to take. I am going to waste my time constantly wondering what they are doing. Is that any way to live?

No thanks. It's a "Have fun and enjoy your life. Send me a postcard."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt to be rejected like that. Rejection sucks, plain and simple. But time heals all wounds, and eventually you will find someone that wants to be with you because they think you are awesome. But if you are still trying to win a lost cause, the person who thinks you are awesome will never stop by.

Jealousy is a low self-esteem kind of emotion, and it slowly drains the life out of everyone that it touches. If you are in a relationship with someone who is jealous, my advice is always the same: get out. It may seem cute today that he is beating up some other guy for looking at you; but tomorrow, when he is beating you for lookign at some other guy, it won't seem near as cute.

Questions Questions Questions

I admit to being a guy. And of course, that means that I am usually wrong. I don't know nor care why, I am just usually wrong, and that's fine with me. I accept it an go on about my business.

I live in a house built in the 1980's.I bought it a few years back, but haven't made many, if any changes to it. Needless to say, it needs some, uh, updating. So, I sat out to do just that.

I went to the store, and found some awesome looking laminate flooring. Cool! Rough-cut hickory, natrual finish, just perfect. And while I was there, I found some carpet. In brown of course, because brown is the color of dirt, and that means it will hide dirt. And I think I'll paint as well, so I bought some eggshell colored paint, because that's what you paint everything, and no one complains if you decide that you want to sell it.

So this was perfect, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. Oh, this is terrible!

I'm talking with a friend one evening before I get the new carpet installed. I'm telling her what I am doing, and she tells me how much she hates her laminate floors. It seems if they get really wet, they buckle. And the surface gets scraped through. And pets can ruin them. And so forth, and so on. Ok, that's a red flag, so maybe I'll rethink that.

But there's more.

She asks me if there will ever be another woman in my life. I tell her that is always a possibility, you never know what the future will hold. so then she says to me "So why are you re-doign the house twice?"

Huh? What? What are you talking about?

"You do realize that, should you ever meet someone, the first thing she will do is look at your place as a bachelor pad. And that means that she is going to want to re-decorate it herself. So be prepared to change that new carpet out soon."

No! This can not be. Who would look at my beautiful floors and think "Those are nice, but red carpet and tile floors would be better." So I thanked her, and went along my way.

But it nagged at me. And so I asked a couple of other ladies that I knew about this. And they all had the same opinion. But they also offered to help me out, and show me what to do so that this wouldn't happen.

They asked my "mo-teef" and I said "Early Garage Sale". They asked about the colors in my drapes, and I said "Whatever was in those sheets when I made into curtains." Then they asked about my bedspread. Ok, this is getting weird here.

So I said "Ok , this is getting weird here", as I was worried they were going to ask the color of my droors next. Instead, they just want me to take pictures of everything. So I do that. Days go by. I am wondering what has happened. Suddenly they arrive with Paint samples in tow.

Ok, now for you redenck guys, let me explain this. You see, your curtains probably have stripes in them, and what ever color is in the least used stripe, well you want that to match a stripe in your bedspread. Sheets also need to match a stripe on one of the above, but it does not have to be the same stripe.

Still with me?

Now, we have to coordinate a paint color to go with all of the stripes, and then we have to have another color to go on the trim, but it has to match with the paint. And finally, we match the carpet to tie in the whole ensemble. Throw in an area rug, some neutral colored furniture, and -voila- instant beautiful house.

Got that? Good, cause I am totally lost. I am a redneck, for heavens sakes!

Let me explain color samples: It's like looking at a box of 7000 crayons. Ok, there are 7000 crayons. What am I supposed to do with 7000 crayons? Are we drawing stickmen on the walls or something?

In other words, I don't get it. I just don't get it.

I even looked through pictures of one of their houses as they explained how this matched that, went with this orange stripe here, and this leaf, and the vase over there, to the coffee table, and then the counter tops, and the toilet seat. See, it's really simple!

Yeah, right. Know what I did?

I took back the floor and the paint, and cancelled the carpet. I went into my room with the unmatched curtains and bedspread and sat there on my sheets which were one color that didn't match anything. I wanted to curl up in a ball, pulled the sheet over my head, and repeat"I hate paint samples" for 3 days.

Needless to say, the house now looks exactly like it did before I ever started this crud. My checking account is happy, but I still hate the flooring and the walls. At least, though, I don;t have to worry about anything matching, because nothing does. And in a way, that's just my style.

Now, I wonder what colors of paint i can get at the next garage sale.....